The reflection is two days late, again.

This week (I’m referring to last week) felt a little dull. I’ve been consistent with my learning, but not enthusiastic to put in the work. This constant thought has been running through my mind. Do I want this, or is this something I have to do? — Now this thought always comes crashing in when I think about my future.

I can recall wanting to be a game developer since I was in primary school, yet after my studies the thought of developing games for a living became a distasteful thought. When I think back to the time I relished in the idea of making games for a living. There was a sprinkle of something that kept my dream alive — Ignorance. I didn’t fully understand the complexity of making games, and the first time I had an idea of what’s needed to be done, I was an 18 year old undergraduate.

I was thinking about just the pure outcome of game development — the game, and not the entire process of creating it. Level design, concept art, sound design, coding etc.

Though this doesn’t fully resolve the underlying question. Do I want this, or is this something I have to do? — We’re all aware of the terrible tech job market, and it doesn’t appear to be healing anytime soon. TryHackMe paths, weekly, and daily blog posts. What if all the work isn’t enough? I’ve reached a year of unemployment, and the longer it goes the more my ability to stay optimistic fades. The idea of perseverance in moments like this seems impossible. As a 22 year old I’m at a state of being an adult yet not having the ability to shift into adulthood, due to unemployment. This builds a sense of desperation.

My whole childhood to early adulthood, I was adamant on becoming a game developer, yet now I don’t think that’s the path for me. If I had an idea of where I wanted to go for so long and later realise it’s the wrong destination. Where do I go from here. The thought of falling behind builds a state of panic, where I just want to try something until it works for me.

That resolves the underlying question, but it doesn’t necessarily answer it — it reframes it! Nikola Jokic is an NBA superstar that is seen as someone who doesn’t necessarily love the sport. There’s interviews where his demeanor indicates him longing to be somewhere else. How can someone be so good at a sport he seems to have no interest in. Could it be due to the fortune it brings? Yes. He’s willing to prioritise 15 years of his life to do something he doesn’t necessarily want to do. So instead of asking myself, Do I want this, or is this something I have to do?. I’ll ask, Is this something I’m willing to prioritise a significant amount of my time and huge portion of life to? My answer now is, I don’t know. I think it’s fair to not know the answer at just 22 years old.

“Though these are dark times, and it’s easy to succumb to all the negatives cast upon it. I cannot help but see the upsides. In the morning I wake up, I exercise, I do work consisting of TryHackMe paths and challenges, I draw, I read, and most importantly — I touch grass XD. I’ve given myself a healthy routine that allows me to keep myself in check. I’m put into a precarious mental state when I don’t exercise, or draw. This instills a sense of responsibility, discipline that will prevail throughout my journey of life no matter where it takes me. Yet despite the days I’m feeling low, I still do what needs to be done, and that tells me that these tough days will end soon.”

The last paragraph was put in quotes, to indicate this as something I would say. Though this is something that is good, I’ve built a solid routine. Saying all this and ending it with an “in the end it will all be good” comment, relies strictly on hope. I’m putting in the work, despite the hardship I carry on going, despite the uncertainty of where my future lies, I face the new day head on. So I won’t rely on hope but certainty. Certainty that I will be triumphant and stay triumphant!